18 February, 2008

I Don't Know

There's so much I don't know. I'm sure most of you are much more aware of that than I am. But, maybe I'm getting better at not being a know-it-all and not trying so hard to have all the answers. That would be really nice anyway. I'm just too busy trying to have all the answers that I don't really look for questions (or maybe am just focused on the wrong questions).

My friend Josh wrote something the other day that has me thinking. I've always tried to have all the answers someone might ask and trying to be a step ahead. Nick, who I've been working with knows all too well how I try to answer questions before he's even asked if there is a slight pause while he thinks for a moment (I'm not sure if this is a new thing, but something I've recently noticed...those who've known me for a while will have to let me know). I like to be a teacher much more than being a student. I think I give the impression that it's better to have answers for people than questions. And I give the impression because it's how I feel most of the time.

I don't know why God has me here or why he's had me where I've been in the past. I don't know if it's to reach out to this person or that person or if it's because of this thing or that thing that I've done, but even those are the wrong questions. For a long time now I've looked to have answers to stuff like this so I know how to respond and can be prepared. But, God doesn't need me to be prepared for what he has in store. He wants me to be willing. While I might want to know everything, I don't look for what God is teaching me or seek things other than knowledge. I know that I should always be learning, and I know that God teaches us through all circumstances. And I base so much on what I know. It's about time I start asking God again. Not to have answers to tell this person or that person, but to really come to God honestly with questions that I don't understand. There's so much that doesn't make sense, so much that you really can't find an answer to, but have to have answered. Unless I ask, I just get indifferent and apathetic. I want to search after God again. I want to seek. And even though I may not get answers to speak of, I'm sure I'll find God in the search and He will answer. It's not about knowledge, but about a relationship. Who knows what I'll find out and experience in the process...probably a lot about God, about myself, and about living.

Well, I've been back at our main base for the last couple weeks now as three of our experienced staff are out at the time and there's a few gaps to fill. I'll be back out of touch with the internet soon enough I hope, but until then I'll try to keep things updated. I'm glad I could surprise you with all the recent posts and you'll have to keep looking for how I continue to mix things up.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I haven't posted lately, but I'm still reading. I'm too busy crying about you not coming back to visit very soon to have time to post.
-Tina

Jeff said...

I guess being a girl and all emotional and everything would lead to crying often. But, don't let that bother you too much, I'll probably be around in May/June for some time.